I love bacon. It’s one of the first foods I ever learned to cook. I remember being about 6 or 7 and standing on a step stool in the kitchen with my dad on a Saturday morning in front of our avocado-colored stove cooking bacon to crispy perfection. For me, bacon, real bacon not fake-on, is delicious, delicious comfort in a crispy, artery-clogging package. J’adore bacon.
I love how bacon is one of the hip, trendy foods right now. Certain things, I get. Traditional bacon-wrapped filet mignon and bacon-wrapped scallops…. mmm, mmm, good. Bacon cheeseburgers…. hell yeah. Chocolate chip, bacon cookies … surprisingly good. Bacon grilled cheese sandwich…. bring that on. Bacon mac and cheese is fantastic. Chocolate almond bacon bar at Deagan’s in Lakewood is just too flipping good oh I wanted to lick the plate (and yes I realize I stopped using punctuation I’m too busy drooling).
And it’s not just food that’s getting bacon-ized. The number of bacon-themed miscellania is immense.
But just because you’ve added bacon to something, doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily good.
| Bacon candy canes | great slogan “Ho. Ho. Meat”, but seriously unappealing |
| Bacon popcorn | this could be interesting |
| Bacon gift wrap | adorable |
| My First Bacon stuffed, talking toy |
irresistable |
| Bacon Lube | ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew |
| Baconnaise | it has the possibility of being tasty, but is wrong just because |
| Bacon of the Month Club | need this immediately |
| Bacon Floss | I want my mouth to feel clean after flossing, this is just bad |
| Bacon gravy packets | bad. no |
| Bacon toothpaste | see Bacon floss |
| Bacon Today news/website | This blog would’ve been much easier if I’d have found this first. Should we really have enough bacon stuff to necessitate a website to keep up with it all? |
| Bacon Chocolate Bars | Most likely a chocolate-y, bacon-y heart-destroying mistake |
| Bacon lollipop | I’ll pass |
| Bacon pillow | There are many, but this one manages to look cute and menacing at the same time |
| Bacon trout roe | ew. |
| Bacon coffee | bacon. coffee. two lovely morning items. the should remain separate until they are united in my tummy. |
| Bacon gum | icky |
| Bacon soap | ugh |
| Bacon tuxedo | it’s also bacon-scented…… |
| Bacon peanut brittle | um…. maybe? |
| Bacon drink tablets | is this bacon Alka Seltzer? Without the healing powers of Alka Seltzer? |
| Bacon soda | Jones Soda isn’t making it anymore but I’m sure others are (or will) |
| Bacon beer | weirdos |
| Bacon wallet | well then |
| Bacon mints | nasty |
| Gummy Bacon | it’s strawberry flavored |
| Bacon flavored envelopes | WTF?!?!? |
| Bacon vodka | stop. this is wrong |
| Bacon action figure | Hello Kitty is better |
| Bacon socks | why is this necessary? it’s not even clever |
| Bacon air freshener | ew! |
| Bacon bandaids | well, what the hell? |
| Bacon shirt | sure, why not |
| Bacon board game | idea is hilarious, game play would most likely be painful. who is actually paying $20 for a 20 second gag? |
| Bacon USB drive | you’ll know which one’s yours? |
| Bacon frosting | and again, why? |
And now, after simply viewing all of these bacon things, I need this:
Somehow, bacon isn’t quite so comforting anymore.
