Six Degrees of Bacon Bacon

I love bacon.  It’s one of the first foods I ever learned to cook.  I remember being about 6 or 7 and standing on a step stool in the kitchen with my dad on a Saturday morning in front of our avocado-colored stove cooking bacon to crispy perfection.  For me, bacon, real bacon not fake-on, is delicious, delicious comfort in a crispy, artery-clogging package.  J’adore bacon.

I love how bacon is one of the hip, trendy foods right now.  Certain things, I get.  Traditional bacon-wrapped filet mignon and bacon-wrapped scallops…. mmm, mmm, good.  Bacon cheeseburgers…. hell yeah.  Chocolate chip, bacon cookies … surprisingly good.  Bacon grilled cheese sandwich…. bring that on.  Bacon mac and cheese is fantastic. Chocolate almond bacon bar at Deagan’s in Lakewood is just too flipping good oh I wanted to lick the plate (and yes I realize I stopped using punctuation I’m too busy drooling).

And it’s not just food that’s getting bacon-ized.  The number of bacon-themed miscellania is immense.

But just because you’ve added bacon to something, doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily good.

 Bacon candy canes  great slogan “Ho. Ho. Meat”, but seriously unappealing
 Bacon popcorn  this could be interesting
 Bacon gift wrap  adorable
 My First Bacon stuffed, talking toy
 irresistable
 Bacon Lube  ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew
 Baconnaise it has the possibility of being tasty, but is wrong just because
 Bacon of the Month Club  need this immediately
 Bacon Floss  I want my mouth to feel clean after flossing, this is just bad
 Bacon gravy packets  bad. no
 Bacon toothpaste  see Bacon floss
 Bacon Today news/website This blog would’ve been much easier if I’d have found this first.  Should we really have enough bacon stuff to necessitate a website to keep up with it all?
 Bacon Chocolate Bars  Most likely a chocolate-y, bacon-y heart-destroying mistake
 Bacon lollipop  I’ll pass
 Bacon pillow  There are many, but this one manages to look cute and menacing at the same time
 Bacon trout roe  ew.
 Bacon coffee  bacon. coffee. two lovely morning items.  the should remain separate until they are united in my tummy.
 Bacon gum  icky
 Bacon soap  ugh
 Bacon tuxedo  it’s also bacon-scented……
 Bacon peanut brittle  um…. maybe?
 Bacon drink tablets  is this bacon Alka Seltzer?  Without the healing powers of Alka Seltzer?
 Bacon soda  Jones Soda isn’t making it anymore but I’m sure others are (or will)
 Bacon beer  weirdos
 Bacon wallet  well then
 Bacon mints  nasty
 Gummy Bacon  it’s strawberry flavored
 Bacon flavored envelopes  WTF?!?!?
 Bacon vodka  stop. this is wrong
 Bacon action figure  Hello Kitty is better
 Bacon socks  why is this necessary?  it’s not even clever
 Bacon air freshener  ew!
 Bacon bandaids  well, what the hell?
 Bacon shirt sure, why not
 Bacon board game  idea is hilarious, game play would most likely be painful.  who is actually paying $20 for a 20 second gag?
 Bacon USB drive  you’ll know which one’s yours?
 Bacon frosting  and again, why?

And now, after simply viewing all of these bacon things, I need this:

 

Somehow, bacon isn’t quite so comforting anymore.

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