(originally posted 9/21/2008)
For the uninitiated, every September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day (TLAP). For someone like me, a valid excuse to act silly (I know, but I’m using artist license and considering this a valid excuse. I act silly all the time so I really don’t need an excuse. One could argue that the silly is not an act) is like a little gift from god.
Unfortunately, I am an awful pirate. I giggle too much. And everyone knows that pirates don’t giggle. “Avast there mateys” is not nearly so impressive when punctuated with copious quantities of giggles. And I must admit that I often break character. I’m talking about above and beyond the giggles. I’ll break into proper english to explain things. And my worst crime against piracy………….. I couldn’t find my eye patch!!!!! Oh the horror. I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to participate in TLAP day, but just try and stop me. 😀
So, one thing I did to celebrate, was to tell everyone I spoke with that it was TLAP day. Aside from the really odd looks I received (and I swear a few people were trying to see if they could detect alcohol on my breath), this created some really interesting exchanges. My favorite was with my laboratory supply company account representative. We were having a serious discussion, and at what would have been the close of our conversation, the rep told me to be happy because ‘it’s Friday’ (I’m paraphrasing here). So, this was my chance. I happily replied that not only was it Friday, it was TLAP day. The rep enthusiastically responded “I’m so glad that you said that. One of my coworkers is sitting a few cubicles away from me wearing his eye patch.” I just had to share the fact that I had been unable to find my eye patch that morning (how great is it to picture a guy sitting in an office cubicle with an eye patch on?!?!).
So, my account rep asked if I would call his eye-patch-wearing office mate. How could I resist?
I made the phone call. I called this man a bilge-swilling scurvy dog. And he responded by going into pirate speak without a pause. It was brilliant! I laughed so hard, I almost peed myself (peeing oneself isn’t very pirate-like either although, maybe it is because I imagine many pirates smell a bit like urine. Or maybe I’m thinking of hobos). On what other day can you call a total stranger, hurl insults at him, and have him totally get into it (well, I do have a few coworkers whom I swear say stupid things just to try and get me to cuss them out, pervy fetishists)?
My other favorite exchange on this day was having a friend trying to explain to me what a pirate is. Now, he was talking about a pirate sex act. If you’ve heard the terms Cleveland steamer, rusty trombone, or dirty sanchez, then you’ll know what my type of term I’m talking about. If you don’t know these terms, you should probably just leave my blog now, I’m not corrupting any more people, it’s going to take to long to repent for all the people I’ve already corrupted. Anyway, my friend is trying to explain what a pirate is without being offensive, which is impossible. I’m only sorry that this was a telephone exchange and not a face-to-face exchange. I would have given my left ball…. I mean left boob to have seen the facial contortions that must have been occurring. I’m pretty sure I smelled the smoke though. For those of you who don’t know, just ask someone who knows to enact it, it’s really no good without the visual. Also, I’m hoping this is a fictional sex act. Because I can’t see how anyone could get any gratification out of this (but I don’t understand the gratification a Cleveland Steamer, a rusty trombone, or a dirty sanchez, but hey, to each his own. just don’t talk to me about it and don’t show me any pictures).
In honor of TLAP day, here are some bad pirate jokes:
- Why couldn’t the pirate’s daughter get a date? She had a sunken chest
- Where do pirates get their taxes done? H & Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Block
- Why couldn’t the pirate shoot his pistol? He had arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrthritis
- A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asks the pirate “what is that”. And the pirate replies “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts”.
- Where do pirates go to eat? Arrrrrrrrrrby’s
- Pirate Keyboard
My husband was interested to know where the hook accommodation was on this keyboard. He said that he was required to take a course on ergonomics and he knows about these things.
Anyway, it was much fun. For some TLAP day comics, which are far funnier than my bad pirate jokes, visit these places:
I’d like to thank all the people who put up with my nonsense on TLAP day (although, they put up with my nonsense most other days also), but especially those who participated: D-Man, my old man, BB, J.Z., J.G., Belt, nameless laboratory supply company customer service rep, nameless laboratory supply company account rep, and the poor laboratory supply company account rep who took my goofy phone call in stride. Ahoy mateys!