Weird Holidays

(originally posted 10/18/2008)

I had soooo much fun on Talk Like a Pirate Day, that I’ve been looking up other under appreciated holidays.  I found two sites with a full years worth of strange celebrations.  I swear, I did NOT make any of these days up.  If I were making up days, they would all be related to different ways to worship ME!  Anyway, here are some of the more interesting holidays (I swear, if one of these is a serious cause holiday, I’m not an asshole making fun of your cause, I’m just ignorant). Oh, and if you want dates, look them up yourself:

  • Is it coincidence that Reconciliation Day is the day after April Fool’s Day?
  • Do we need an International Louie-Louie Day?  And does anyone know the words?
  • How does one celebrate National Hairball Awareness Day?  I had a friend named Harold whom we called Hairball.  Should I be making people aware of him?  And how should I accomplish this?  Should I give guided tours past his house?
  • Viagra Day? Really?  Really?
  • Near Miss Day? I had a near miss, his name was Jay.  Kept the ring.  Geez did I dodge a bullet!
  • Lips Appreciation Day!  Hahahahahahaha.  Oh.  Hmmmm.  Well.  Thanks?
  • National Grouch Day!  Oh please, could we contain all the Grouchiness in one, single, solitary day.  I know far too many people who celebrate this, with wild abandon, all year long.
  • Plush Animal Lover’s Day.  Aren’t these people called plushies?  I’ll have to keep my kids indoors this day.  Too kinky for me.  (If you don’t know what a plushie is, be grateful.)
  • National Chocolate Covered Anything Day.  Can I celebrate this along with Lips Appreciation Day?  Mwah ha ha ha!
  • Fruitcake Toss Day.  I looked this one up.  Some place in Colorado actually has a festival dedicated to this.  I love it!
  • National English Toffee Day.  Now, I swear I found a day for almost every fruit, vegetable, meat, baked good, and confection.  But this one.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.  I can acknowledge this one.  Bring me english toffee.
  • Dimpled Chad Day.  I dated a Chad once.  He had nice dimples.  That deserves a day.
  • Thomas Crapper Day.  I don’t know who Thomas Crapper is, or why he has a day, but hahahaha, I just typed Crapper!
  • Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. I’ll pretend that I was celebrating this day when I wrapped everything in a coworker’s office in bubblewrap while he was on his honeymoon!
  • Old Rock Day.  A day dedicated to Keith Richards (or so my husband tells me).  Is this because Keith’s face is craggy like a rock?  Or is this a musical reference?
  • National Dress Up Your Pet Day.  Laika (dog), Bunnee (dog), Rin (cat), you guys might want to run.  There’s a Hello Kitty outfit for each of you.
  • Hat Day.  Ah, and haberdashers everywhere delight! (the day’s not that funny or interesting, but how often does one get to use the word haberdasher?)
  • Work Harder Day.  Clearly a Communist holiday. (Did my boss sneak this one on the calendar?  Obviously, the calendar website was hacked)
  • Measure Your Feet Day.  WTF?!?!  I think there’s a penis size joke in there somewhere.
  • Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day.  Heheh.  But the one right next door only deserves the one I wave at her behind her back (Come on, I’m not going to insult that bitch to her face.  That would just be RUDE!).
  • International Sword Swallowers Day.  Should I mention that my husband thought this day was in honor of me?  He thinks that I earned a day for this.
  • Public Sleeping Day.  WTF?!?!
  • International Fanny Pack Day.  Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Do you know how those make you look?????
  • Pencil Day.  There’s another penis joke here.  I mean, is it wrong if my mind instantly inserted the word dick in there, all by itself.  That’s the first thing I thought of.  Pencil Dick Day.
  • Old Stuff Day.  I could do another Keith Richards joke, but that’s not trying very hard is it?
  • National She’s-Funny-That-Way Day.  Hey, fuck you!
  • Everything You Do Is Right Day.  This is everyday in my world. Just ask me.
  • St.  Patrick’s Day.  Hey, no joke, just reminding you.
  • Ear Muff Day.  If you can’t find the joke in there, well, I’m not helping you, you lazy shit.
  • National Cherish An Antique Day.  I love you honey.
  • National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day.  I sleep naked.  Is this a problem?
  • Spank It Day Out Day.  Hey, can you blame me for being confused? At least, spank it day would be meaningful to most people.  I don’t have any clue what spank out day means.
  • National Honesty Day.  I have to wait for one day out of the whole fing year to get some honesty?  Sounds about right.
  • Lumpy Rug Day. Again, let me stress, I’m not making these up. William Schatner may be able to offer some insight on this day.
  • National Day of Reason.  As with Honesty Day, do we really only get one day for this?  There’s an equal amount of time for lumpy rugs and reason?  That’s just wrong.
  • Stay Up All Night Day.  Um.  Do the creators of this not understand the definitions of day and night?  Does someone not understand that night and day are um, well, opposites?
  • National Sea Monkey Day. I never had these.  Now I must get them to celebrate this day.  Maybe I’ll buy some x-ray specs too.  I can read comic books, wear my x-ray specs, and grow (? – what do you do with sea monkeys?) my sea monkeys.  Actually, that sounds like a pretty good time.
  • Tiara Day. I have all these tiaras, now I have a day that I can wear them.  What a relief.  You have no idea.
  • Vinegar Day. More commonly referred to as Douche Day.
  • Stupid Guy Thing Day.  ‘Nuf said.
  • Decide to Be Married Day.   Don’t Do It!  I love you honey.
  • Take Your Houseplant for a Walk Day. Again, I’d like to remind you that I’m NOT making these up.  If I were, they’d be very self-serving (Kiss the Blonde’s ass Day, Buy the Blonde dinner Day – take her somewhere nice & assume you need a shirt with a collar and a tie,  Buy the Blonde Another Drink Day – top shelf only, The Blonde Needs Flowers Day – and she likes orchids so forget the cheap shit, No not that blonde dumb ass!)
  • Moon Day.  Oh, I long for the days when mooning someone was just a silly joke.  Now, it’s an arrest.  Just because my ass is so pasty and white it might blind you, doesn’t mean I was trying to hurt you.  What could be funnier that my shiny white ass?  Wait, what was I talking about?
  • National Fresh Breath Day.  I am obsessed with oral hygiene (I said oral).  My glove box is loaded with gum and mints.  I adore spicy, ethnic foods.  But my husband hates my garlic breath.  I love kisses, therefore, I have become obsessed with toothpaste, mouthwash, gum, and mints.
  • Bad Poetry Day. I celebrate this every time I’m moved to write any poetry.  If you don’t believe me, I’ll let you read some.
  • Salami Day.  There’s another penis joke here.  I’m sure I didn’t even need to point that out.
  • Hobbit Day.  Oh, another reason to watch my Lord of the Rings DVDs!

Celebrating bizarro holidays is brilliant as it gives me a cover for being my cheery, silly self.


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