With Every Beat of My Heart

I took the American Heart Associations Heartsaver First Aid, AED, and CPR classes today at work.

On as serious note (and this really will be the only one), I’m glad for the refresher because I need more practice.  I’d still be hesitant to put it into use in real life.  It’d be a lot easier if people’s heads were attached like the dummy head and nicely tilted back.  And if people came with the plastic lung so you didn’t need to worry about germs.  Oh, and if people’s chests clicked when you were applying the proper compression pressure.  Obviously, you’d better hope someone other than me is available if you really need emergency treatment.  I’d give it a go, but I’m truly just barely capable.

It’s amazing that I learned anything at all today.  The instructor didn’t get half the dirty comments that were made (or she did a good job of ignoring them).  Anything that could be willfully misinterpreted was.

Our instructor told us that the American Heart Association now sells cheap inflatable CPR practice dummies so you can practice at home.  The only other woman taking the class (other than me) immediately made some comment about being excited about being able to purchase an inflatable doll.  That poor instructor didn’t get the comment, or presumably, the deviant snickering from the rest of the class until about an hour later when the dummy was mentioned again.  At this point, the other woman said something about being able to make the eyes bulge out on the inflatable dolls from the adult store if you blow them up a certain way.  The look of dismay (?), consternation (?) that accompanied the look of understanding on the instructor’s face was truly funny (and pitiable).  It made the inappropriate comment even funnier.

Total aside, I had no idea that they made blow up dolls for women.  I’m not sure exactly how that would work.  I may need to research this matter.

Another class participant was way too interested in getting an AED for home use and was incredibly disappointed to learn that you need a doctor’s prescription to get one.  I can’t even imagine why you would want one.  Party games?  Wtf?

One of the guys is just obsessed with cutting off womens bras in preparation of using an AED.  He keeps qualifying his obsession by saying that the underwire can cause a burn.  I think he’s just fantasizing about anyway he can get a woman’s bra off.  I’ve already told my coworkers that I’d much rather die than let that guy touch my boobs.

And, our clueless instructor (and not in a bad way, it just means she’s less demented than the rest of us) went on to explain how bras can be helpful when delivering CPR to large breasted women.  The instructor was miming using the bra as leverage to heave massive boobies out of the way.  I almost wet my pants.

Then there’s the whole “positioning the hands” for compression.  The same bra-obsessed guy kept saying, incorrectly, that you line up your hands with the nipple line.  I think he just liked having an excuse to say nipple.  Although, if the boobs are saggy enough, the nipple line may be the correct placement.

We practiced with a trainer AED.  There was much discussion about proper pad placement and insuring good contact.  For some bizarro reason, the subject of a wet victim came up and one of the guys got this dreamy look in his eyes and mentioned that if someone had too much suntan lotion on it could inhibit proper pad contact.  There was definitely some fantasy going on in that head.

I’m not sure how first aid training could possibly bring up so many sex comments.  If you become incapacitated where I work, you’re just as likely to get molested as assisted.  I’ll have to remember to stay healthy so that I never need first aid at work.  I don’t want to come to with someone humping my leg.  Or worse yet, someone fondling my boobs.  Ugh, my boobs are trying to crawl into my chest at the thought.  See, I’ve been scared straight.  I’ll be sure to exercise, eat right, and take care of my health so none of my deviant coworkers have first aid as an excuse to touch me.

I’m sure the AHA would be proud of all of us.

Oh, just one more serious note.  Is it a hidden message that the majority of the people in the video performing CPR looked as though they’d be most in need of CPR.  Those were some meaty people.  And the lady who gave CPR to the child dummy… watching her give compressions so hard that the dummy’s legs were raising into the air… that was way more disturbing than the inappropriate pervy comments of my coworkers.  I know the dummy was just a dummy, but it was a toddler dummy and wow, that could give a parent a nightmare.

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