I love bacon. It’s one of the first foods I ever learned to cook. I remember being about 6 or 7 and standing on a step stool in the kitchen with my dad on a Saturday morning in front of our avocado-colored stove cooking bacon to crispy perfection. For me, bacon, real bacon not fake-on, is delicious, delicious comfort in a crispy, artery-clogging package. J’adore bacon.
I love how bacon is one of the hip, trendy foods right now. Certain things, I get. Traditional bacon-wrapped filet mignon and bacon-wrapped scallops…. mmm, mmm, good. Bacon cheeseburgers…. hell yeah. Chocolate chip, bacon cookies … surprisingly good. Bacon grilled cheese sandwich…. bring that on. Bacon mac and cheese is fantastic. Chocolate almond bacon bar at Deagan’s in Lakewood is just too flipping good oh I wanted to lick the plate (and yes I realize I stopped using punctuation I’m too busy drooling).
And it’s not just food that’s getting bacon-ized. The number of bacon-themed miscellania is immense.
But just because you’ve added bacon to something, doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily good.
|Bacon candy canes||great slogan “Ho. Ho. Meat”, but seriously unappealing|
|Bacon popcorn||this could be interesting|
|Bacon gift wrap||adorable|
| My First Bacon stuffed, talking toy
|Bacon Lube||ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew|
|Baconnaise||it has the possibility of being tasty, but is wrong just because|
|Bacon of the Month Club||need this immediately|
|Bacon Floss||I want my mouth to feel clean after flossing, this is just bad|
|Bacon gravy packets||bad. no|
|Bacon toothpaste||see Bacon floss|
|Bacon Today news/website||This blog would’ve been much easier if I’d have found this first. Should we really have enough bacon stuff to necessitate a website to keep up with it all?|
|Bacon Chocolate Bars||Most likely a chocolate-y, bacon-y heart-destroying mistake|
|Bacon lollipop||I’ll pass|
|Bacon pillow||There are many, but this one manages to look cute and menacing at the same time|
|Bacon trout roe||ew.|
|Bacon coffee||bacon. coffee. two lovely morning items. the should remain separate until they are united in my tummy.|
|Bacon tuxedo||it’s also bacon-scented……|
|Bacon peanut brittle||um…. maybe?|
|Bacon drink tablets||is this bacon Alka Seltzer? Without the healing powers of Alka Seltzer?|
|Bacon soda||Jones Soda isn’t making it anymore but I’m sure others are (or will)|
|Bacon wallet||well then|
|Gummy Bacon||it’s strawberry flavored|
|Bacon flavored envelopes||WTF?!?!?|
|Bacon vodka||stop. this is wrong|
|Bacon action figure||Hello Kitty is better|
|Bacon socks||why is this necessary? it’s not even clever|
|Bacon air freshener||ew!|
|Bacon bandaids||well, what the hell?|
|Bacon shirt||sure, why not|
|Bacon board game||idea is hilarious, game play would most likely be painful. who is actually paying $20 for a 20 second gag?|
|Bacon USB drive||you’ll know which one’s yours?|
|Bacon frosting||and again, why?|
And now, after simply viewing all of these bacon things, I need this:
Somehow, bacon isn’t quite so comforting anymore.